I have been very sick for the past month. My tummy can’t digest food properly. They told me at first that I had a partial bowel obstruction, but now they think that the cancer has returned. My apologies for ignoring my blog the past months, but I have been dealing with a lot. So far my scans come out with no evidence of disease, but I have a PET scan tomorrow. The results of the scan will determine how we proceed. For now my abdominal surgery has been postponed. I am already scheduled for chemotherapy next week.
I feel like such an idiot. After almost a year sober, I relapsed in October of last year. I was with a former close friend of mine at a club, and she decided that she wanted to go to this after party and do Molly. I told her that I don’t do Molly and that I was not going to the party. She managed to convince me to go to the party, which was nice. It was a mansion in one of nicest neighborhoods in Orlando. They had a DJ and everything. Well I was hanging around minding my own business when a couple of guys asked if I wanted to do Molly. I said no of course, but after a few drinks I finally gave in. BAD IDEA!!! First off I am super sick. Second, those drugs are super dangerous and illegal for a reason. Well the night just keep getting worse. I was too intoxicated to drive so I had to hang out with this guy who was super handsome, but he was so annoyingly addicted to drugs that his behavior was a little out of control. The party ended and I still could not drive, and neither could my girlfriend so we decided to ride with the handsome addict I mentioned before. We gave the DJs a ride home, which turned out to be a penthouse in this highrise in downtown Orlando. We hung out there for a while. The super cute and not druggie DJ asked if I wanted to crash at his place, but I didn’t think that would be smart. Like leaving with a crazy person wasn’t stupid enough. Well instead of accepting his kind offer I decided to leave with my girl and go to another after party where there were only two people doing drugs. I began to feel extremely uncomfortable and sick. I wanted to go home, but I knew that my mother would kill me for not showing up after I had gone out for the first time in over a year. So I decided to crash there. To make a long story short, my friend left, and so did the druggie hottie, and I stayed at this random club promoter’s house who reassured me that he was not a creeper, and that nothing would happen to me. Oh boy was that a pile of bullshit. I got a little sleep and then woke up to see that the guy wanted to party. Ohhh and I forgot to mention that one of the ways he convinced me to even stay at his house in the first place was by telling me he had an inoperable brain tumor, and that he knew what it was like to have cancer. I did not sleep with him. I don’t hook up with randoms, and I haven’t been with anyone since my ex died in August 2012.
So when I woke up from my sleep the guy convinces me to get into the hotub. So I did, but fully clothed in a tank top, and a pair of guy’s shorts. Then things began to get really weird. They guy began to creep up on me, and try to kiss me. I finally excused myself from the hottub when he blurted out how he had an erection and needed my help. I freaked out. I left the patio and went inside to change. He then entered the room while I was changing and pushed me down on the bed, and he jumped on top of me, basically trying to for me to have sex with him. I managed to push him off of me and run into the living room. At this point I called my girlfriend and told her I needed rescuing. She was on her way. I went back into the bedroom to grab my purse and found this pervert watching porn and jerking off. I then ran back out of the room, and sat outside waiting. He then came out and sat next to me and looked at me and told me that he needed to ejaculate and he could not do it on his own. I told him that I did not give a fuck and to get the fuck away from me. Then he begged me to at least watch him masturbate. Of course I was like “hell the fuck no.” My ride finally arrived and as I ran away I turned to look back at this scumbag and caught him smirking. He looked so evil and perverted. I hated him from the moment I got out of that hot tub, and I knew I was lucky to have made it out without being raped or killed.
The point is that since that day in last October I have been back on the wagon. This is just nuts. How can someone that has been through what I have been through be so reckless and irresponsible? My grandfather was an alcoholic and it runs in my family. I have pretty much been and alcoholic since I was 15.
I have been depressed, drinking, smoking, and suicidal ever since this happened. I wanted to report him to the police, but I was too scared to take him to trial. I get nervous about stuff like that. Well after a long weekend of reckless partying this week, I woke up this morning to find out that one of my Uncle’s passed away this morning or a heart attack. I know this may be horrible, but he did drink a lot and consume drugs. Maybe he stopped the drugs a long time ago, but I remember years ago seeing him doing drugs at a party I went to. People may see this and get pissed. All I know is that regardless of his lifestyle he was an amazing man. One of my favorite uncles. I am devastated.
Apparently my father, my uncle, and some of their friends were on a fishing trip , and my uncle had a massive heart attack at 7 am this morning. My dad was there and tried CPR for thirty minutes. Unfortunately my uncle is no longer with us. Although I believe he is in a better place.
My father and I haven’t spoken in months because of my bad attitude. They knew I was drinking and using, yet I still denied it.
All these experiences along with my panic attacks, paranoia, PTSD, and depression have made me realize that this is not a game. This is my life. I have to love myself enough to know when to stop, and that was a long time ago.
I am in Panama now with my family, praying that this cancer does not kill me, and that I won’t succumb to the powerful addictions that ail me. I have had enough.
I did manage to find a good guy in my life. He isn’t perfect, but I love him, and he loves me the way I am, sick and all. I hope things work out between us, but if they don’t I know we will still be good friends. I just can’t jeopardize my freedom any longer.
Keep me in your prayers.